Initially, I listen to Jesse McCartney’s Just So You Know and thought it was a nice song. After reading and listening to the lyrics again and again, I start to understand how come I like this song…

Gosh, everything has to stop before anything happens.

I shouldn’t love you but I want to
I just can’t turn away
I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move
I can’t look away

I shouldn’t love you but I want to
I just can’t turn away
I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move
I can’t look away

And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not
‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling’s taking control of me
And I can’t help it
I won’t sit around, I can’t let him win now
Thought you should know
I’ve tried my best to let go of you
But I don’t want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It’s getting hard to be around you
There’s so much I can’t say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not
‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I’m wondering why I’ve waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I’m waiting here…been waiting here

[Chorus]

Mixed feelings. This is super wrong as I should not let feelings to guide my decision.

Seriously, somepeople need some self-reflections on their own attitudes. Recently, I’ve been asking myself some questions about peoples’ attitudes, peoples’ behaviors, how they can treat things and people in that particular way, the way they handle things, how their words can be a hidden sword to the other party.

As I started pointing fingers at other people, I started to question myself why didn’t I have the courage to tell people what is right and wrong, and my feelings towards certain things. Some things that people did had hurt me but I didn’t confront them and solve the problem. What more can I say when their stand has made and there isn’t a solution or a way that I can say “NO” to all these? I mean, since they forcefully think it’s this way, then fighting against them on my own is just plain waste of time.

I think I’m a mute soldier who will not call for help when I have an arrow piercing through my chest. I will just let the blood flow till someone sees me and saves me. I just run this inner battle in me, trying to figure things out.

Current Mood: Grumpy
Battery Life:

i will want to attend Anger Management course. *ROAR*

From angry to sadness.

I have a glass plate in front of me and the waiter approached me. He was wearing a red apron with the word “Problems” printed on it. He served me the bread of the burger and went back to the kitchen. He gave me the next layer which is the lettuce and he went back again. From his kitchen, he came out with black beef patty and put it on top of the lettuce and went back to his kitchen again. He made many trips to and fro the kitchen and gave me the next ingredient.

When I see him taking the bread for the burger, I was glad that it’s finally over and I’m enough of all these he has created. I prepared my utensils and ready to eat the burger. But this waiter came out from the kitchen again and serve me 2 more burgers which are as big as Carl’s Jr hamburger.

“STOP IT“, I said. I didnt even have the chance to settle this hamburger and the next one was served to me so fast.

The first burger is called *SENSOR*. This burger has been on my plate for a very long time since last year. But now, it has upsized, much bigger than what it was before. It tasted salty(cos of the tears), something that taste so inedible and even if it’s edible, it is hard to digest. I could have share this burger to that person beside me. He is the only one who know that I have this burger in front of me and is gigantic. Yes, he can help me eat a portion of the burger. But I’m always seated on my chair while he is moving around in the restaurant. What I know is more than what he knows, and whatever he knows is whatever I told him. And when the waiter was serving this upsized burger to me, he wasnt with me. I have this upsized burger always in front of my plate and it is not moving or becoming smaller. I got curious why this burger is so big. So I went to the kitchen to peep, to eavesdrop to find out what the chefs are actually trying to do. But the more I do it, the more unpleasant things I found out.

What comes after eating the hamburger? We have the side dish – French Fries. French Fries comes after hamburger and they are interlinked. One pack of French Fries has the name “Accountability” and the other pack is called “Emotions“.

The “Accountability” french fries showed image of me standing at the junction with no road signs or lamp post. I do not know which way to go. Should I drive straight and account to my shepherd when I meet her at the first-aid station or do I look back at the rear view mirror, make a U-turn and just dont go to the first-aid station. When I was thinking of which way to choose, one road sign suddenly popped up. I know where it will lead me to. It will lead me to an unfinished road construction and if I insist of driving forward, to the end of the road, my car will just fall down to the deep sea and that’s it. I’m really glad that I eliminated the foolish option. So now, it is either drive straight or make a U turn. One factor why I dont want to drive straight was because I think I’m not giving problems to the first aider there but I myself is a problem to the first aider. And also, I was having internal bleeding which is unresolvable by the first aider. Only after a few days, I decided to “drive” my car to the first aid station.

The “Emotions” french fries showed me the maze I’m in. I was unclear, a lot of question marks regarding my emotions, how to handle it and stuff (shall not elaborate here). But I got clearer understanding through the devotion Jie Hui blogged at the UniYA blog, and the shepherding I just had yesterday. The title of the blog entry was is “Domains of Christian Victory – The Soul Domain”. The three points are: Be real to yourself, Bring the battle from the inside to the outside, Make sense of your emotions. I forgot where did I read this but it says we can only claim victory if only when we are able to deal with it when the same problem comes again.

And this up-sized burger was served to me just one day before my last paper.

The second burger is called Growth. After reading all the camp devotions, I realized that gaining victory is really very difficult. There are so many areas we’ll have to look into if we want to be a victorious christian. It’s tough. But most importantly, we need to know how to conquer it.

The third burger is called Relationship with xxxx. I really want to know him better and be open to him. I’ll like him to be one of my listening ears when Im feeling down, a shoulder I can lean on. Really, I feel very awkward when both of us are together. I want to engage in more spiritual talk with him.

I had a very heavy meal. Everything is in my stomach, but it’s indigestible, bombarding!! A lot of things crapping up there. So many things to do that’s driving me crazy. Waiting patiently for God’s perfect timing and purpose to come to pass.