Jassy’s blog » Expectations

Expectations

Posted on Sunday, Mar 16 at 6:02 pm

Living up to my parents’ expectation is tough. Just look at the environment I’m in and my family background. Instead of being the cream of the crop, I think I am the crop of the cream, and the thorn among the roses in my family.

I know I’m living for myself and I should lead the way I want it to be. I’m not living for him, I’m not living for her, I’m not living for them.. but I’m living for myself.

I tried to convince myself that I should not compare myself with others because my abilities and strengths can be others’ weaknesses. I tried to convince myself that it’s ok to get this results because I already gave my best. It was my every single bit of hardwork and put in whatever I can to get these grades. I tried to accept the words in the bible believe that no one will judge on me, and i will not be judged. (Luke 6:37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven) I find hard to stay joyful when I’m a very self-conscious person and really do care how people look at me.

Just as I stepped forward to admit the grades I get, people started to give me that kind of pathetic look or even give me the hint that I CMI(cannot-make-it). I hate the feeling of rejection, when I cant get into the place I want. I dont want to be like a ball when people throw me around, not giving me acceptance. I dont want to face it again.

During sermon yesterday, I learned that “Bad days are inevitable. To feel bad, is a choice you have to make.” I was renewed by the Word and is learning that “Our Joy does not depend on circumstances“. When I tried to be brave, staying optimistic, I was K.O. by the judgement from people, the comments and criticism from them.

Yesterday back home, I was hit by my mum’s word. I overheard her conversastion with my dad, and was really very disappointed how my parents look at me. To them, results is more important than my welfare. I didnt get word of encouragement from them, their support. But I got from them is their nagging.

It’s so tiring living in such environment…

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord and he inclined to me, and heard me cry. He also brought me up out a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth- Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust the Lord.